Notes on an original script from EP John Riggi ("30 Rock"):

"Sexy Justice is hilarious! I seriously loved it! If I had to come up with a note, I'd say the two male cops seem a little one-dimensional - maybe because the girls are so dimensional and interesting. There could be some surprise out of one of the guys, like he once had a crush on one of the girls? The script was a little caper-y, which was fine. I didn't mind it, but ultimately who cares? The girls are so hilarious. I mean, they're driving a solar-powered Fiero! Send it to Comedy Central and tell them I'll do it!"
- John Riggi

Notes on a "South Park" spec script from Executive Producer Brent Forrester ("The Office"):

Hello Writer! Here's some thoughts on your script.

I think you did a very good job of capturing the voices of the characters in the show. That's a real talent, and you show it off nicely in this spec. I can really hear the characters when I'm reading the script. Takes talent to make that happen, so kudos.

The fact that you integrated an A-Story about football with a B-Story about Zalcor shows that you're thinking about story structure, which is important. Even more importantly, in your case the stories are both easy to follow, which matters enormously to me as a reader, and is surprisingly difficult for most writers to achieve.

In some places the writing flows very smoothly and is quite professional. The example that springs to mind is the scene on P.6 with Butters. The lines of dialog are all short and natural sounding. The action is unhurried and the reader can really picture what's happening. It takes confidence to write like that, without pushing the dialog with over-worked "joke" lines. A good piece of writing. Good work.

If you're looking for re-write suggestions, or if thinking of writing another script, here's my biggest suggestion: Right now, a disproportionate amount of your jokes are basically examples of a single comedy formula: Kids saying and doing inappropriately things. Sometimes what they say or do is dirty, sometimes it violent. Okay, so you've got that move down. Time to start showcasing some new tricks.

When I was breaking in, I used to watch 2 comedies a day, writing down the lines that made me laugh (often only 2 or 3 lines in the entire show). After I had written them down, I would study them, trying to figure out why I laughed at that line, and not others. I found many formulas at work in punch-lines. One formula, the one you have discovered, I call "The combination of the sacred and the profane." Kids are sacred. The f-work is profane. Nuns are sacred. Violence is profane. Old people are sacred. The bathroom is profane. Mix and match, and you've got a family guy spec in 20 minutes.

Here's another move you can try: "In the attempt to achieve X, the character achieves the opposite of X." This is what I call "comic irony." An example from my first I Simpson's episode: Homer has just made some money and is feeling very proud. He show-ily puts a cigar in his mouth and lights it with a coupon for free car wash." The formula: In Homer's attempt to seem classy, he seems the opposite of classy.

Good luck! Your love of comedy, and your skill at working with it are both obvious in your spec. This makes you one of the rare ones. Congrats!

Executive Producer Rob Cohen's notes on "Dark Python", an original spec script:

I thought it was very funny and very well written. cool idea, and a nice parody of "Star Wars" and the cheesy old Gil gerard-esque "Buck Rogers" stuff. I also thought there were a lot of good jokes, solid character things, and that you are actually enjoying rooting for a villain. Smart stuff, and if you are a nerd like me, even more enjoyable.

The flip side, and it is minor, is that the story starts of great, and then becomes slightly repetitive, with the time murders, etc. i know that is aprt of the story, but some people, not me, may claim this "slow down" or "repetition of a joke" make this more of a skecth than a 30 minute episode of TV. A simple solution could be to have a "story runner" be going on in the b.g., or beef up the girl part, but she needs to be his competition and love interest. the tricky thing with "broad" (which I think is a good term) scripts like this are making the characters compelling enough that regardless of the situation, you want to hang with them weekly.

Shitty sitcomes like "According to Jim" etc. take the easy route this way by making them familys hows, but i think this script is about a very interesting guy.

This was very funny, well written, and an A+ for originality.

Executive Producer Cindy Chupack's notes on a "Simpsons" spec script submitted by a writer in Georgia:

First, most readers will see an out-of-town address and decide they don't really want to deal with you.

I know that seems harsh, but the long-distance thing is tough... do they really want to call you in for a meeting with an agent or showrunner, is it really worth having you fly in -- you see how it's sort of a bigger investment than just if you were in LA? So my first piece of advice is that moving is something you might have to do if you're serious. Also, it's different if you're trying to sell a screenplay, because someone might just buy your screenplay, but for television when you're sending around a spec you are trying to get employment. So you really have to be in L.A. and you can't wait to move once you have a job, because A) it's harder to get that job from afar and B) those jobs can last years or just a few weeks if they decide they don't like you or the show gets cancelled, so moving for a job and counting on the job lasting is a gamble.

2) Before writing out these notes, I was looking to see if I had a produced Simpsons script and I stumbled across the first spec I ever wrote and it was really stupid, so I understand and sympathize with the fact that you are beginning writer and you might someday be a famous writer, and what we're looking for here is potential, which you definitely have!

3) FORMAT! There are some formatting and typo issues (for example, on the first page you spelled whispers wispers, second page Marge says "of really" instead "oh really", there are no page numbers for me to reference or to see if you have the right number of pages, which is essential) so basically, you must clean up the script. These things will seem nitpicky, but it's essential that the script you are sending around as your first impression shows you care enough and took the time to proof it carefully and get it looking like a produced script. Things like:

EXT - SIMPSON HOUSE - ESTABLISHING

I'm not sure they even do that, use "establishing" shots with nothing funny happening. That's why I was looking for a produced script. If you haven't already, get at least three produced Simpsons scripts and study them like a bible to see what they call the house, how they use those shots, etc. Really study the slugline format, because, okay, I warned you it would be nitpicky. I think it's actually supposed to be:

EXT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - DAY

INT. SIMPSON'S KITCHEN - DAY

I'm not sure how they use the shots, but I don't think CLOSE UP ON MARGE is right or CUT TO BATHROOM, CUT TO SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT. I think you would just have those as sluglines and it's assumed it's a cut, but this is why you must read produced scripts for whatever you're writing. It's very distracting to a writer like me to read a spec where that much hasn't been done correctly. Sorry, but don't give people a reason to disregard you.

4) You have a lot of really FUNNY stuff in here, so I think you definitely have potential. I'm just going to go through and tell you what I like and what I don't like as much.

- I like the guy's name written on his bare chest where his nametag should be

- love the vacuum cleaner latched onto Marge's neck

- the scene with Selma and Patty feels off -- I think Marge wouldn't necessarily feel guilty and worried, she did nothing wrong, so why is she panicked? I could see her going over there and wanting to talk about why she's daydreaming so much, is her heart wandering? Is this normal? And also, the fact that they jump to the idea that she should write about this stuff, I think there's a better way to get there. That doesn't seem like their role (although I like later the "show biz montage" of Springfield illustrating how it works), but it throws me in the beginning that they are the ones who suddenly have this career idea for Marge. How else could it happen? Maybe she reads romance books or watches soaps herself and feels guilty like she's watching porn (doesn't watch with the kids or Homer around), and that's where she's getting the ideas. Maybe there's a contest? Not sure, but feels like there's a better way in.

- Also the joke "he wouldn't notice if you tied a bag of pork rinds to it" doesn't make sense. He would ONLY notice if you tied a bag of pork rinds to it, right? Is that a typo also?

- Selma saying "covering up bruises is our specialty?" What does she mean? They're into rough sex? Seems a little too blue for the show.

- I like Homer's sage wisdom how soap operas are like beer, I for one...

- Again, your plot devices are too transparent. I don't really buy that Marge can't type and I don't buy she would dictate this to Lisa. Feels like you, the writer, wanted that set-up so you just made it happen. Wouldn't Marge maybe do this without telling anyone for a while? Explore other ideas that seem character-based (like she might be afraid of failure so she doesn't want anybody to know she's trying, she might feel it's like writing porn, she might hire someone to type from her handwritten notes, Homer might think she is having an affair because she's holed up somewhere writing (where might she write -- the basement, somewhere we haven't seen?) and discover her and THEN Lisa or someone might get involved in helping her type because they think it's actually good). Even though it's a cartoon, make everything believably character-based.

- funny that Homer almost suffocates in the pork rinds

- again, stuff like "your rug hasn't been licked yet" too blue for this show, and doesn't seem like Marge

- I like Bart as the agent, funny

- that scene when Homer discovers the hickey and Marge leaves crying (really -- you think she'd leave crying instead of trying to explain?) doesn't feel right for the characters. However, I like that Lisa tells Homer to be more supportive -- that's good because it gets at a dynamic that is real and familiar to couples when the wife hasn't been working, gets at the idea that her feeling unfulfilled might be career-related rather than sexual. Again, even though it's a cartoon, good to have some real issues underneath that you're making funny. And then I like the twist that he decides to be supportive because he sees this as an opportunity.

- when Homer said I got someone to fill in for me, I thought the joke you were going for was that he got someone to fill in to be with Marge, which made me laugh. (He should go, but might be funny at first if he was going to send Moe to go with Marge to the network, someone to fill in on his duties as a husband...)

- I like Homer saying "tell her no" out loud

- I'm confused what her "big day" is because Bart already said he got her a 13-week run. Why is she going to the network? That needs to be set up, because when she's excited she sold the show, we already think she sold the show.

- Homer's network meeting is funny, but again, doesn't fell well set up. Is he just winging it? How long did he spend thinking about this plan -- going to the network with Marge and then sneaking off and pitching his own show. Maybe it's better if he really doesn't know how it works and then sees "the pitch room" and goes in. In fact, what if he just saw the donuts in there and went in, and then ended up winging a pitch? (Don't let what you want to happen drive the action. Follow the characters and their usual motivations until see how it would happen FOR THEM SPECIFICALLY.)

- I love "who wants to be adopted"

- I like Lisa's joke, "albeit one that reinforces stereotypes" but you mean housewives, not housekeepers, right? (Your typos are killing your jokes!!! Stop the comicide!!!)

- I like the cell phone the size of a chiklet, nice detail!

- It's a little confusing because it seems like Homer is doing an action movie, not a television show, and it seems like this whole script becomes about hollywood without them going to hollywood. Maybe homer's thing would be how everybody can be a filmmaker with a digital camera, but it almost feels like too much to have homer making an action movie and Marge writing a soap in the same show. (Not sure the solution, just telling you how I feel -- like you're doing too much about hollywood in one script for a show that wouldn't normally cross into that world.)

- why does marge tell Lisa "did you know that pretty girls don't type?" Is she saying Lisa isn't pretty. : ( I don't get it.

- typo, Lisa says I have a conscious, should be conscience

- I would just end the scene on Bart's joke, which is very funny, "Can Aunt Selma open a beer bottle with her armpit?"

- You have EXT - MOE'S TAVERN and INT - MOE'S TAVERN centered instead of flush left

- I sort of start losing interest in the third act because of the point above -- it's so much about the film and the TV show, doesn't feel character-based anymore, doesn't feel like the story is evolving in an interesting way

- The ending isn't that satifying for Marge. If you are starting with the idea that she's bored, or unfulfilled, maybe the fun sex scene with Homer (well the implication they will have good sex) should come at the end instead of in the middle, and somehow be related to this whole journey, like... maybe he should come home at the end, shirt torn off, having blown up everything, and it should be like one of her fantasies.

ANYHOW, in conclusion, very nice effort, lots of funny stuff, good work on the characters and voices. The main thing I think you need to focus on is whenever you feel like you're skating a little to get to the next plot point, dig deeper and figure out a funny solution that seems right for the characters. And keep writing and good luck!

Get your work into the hands of top TV showrunners! The Other Network Comedy Contest: Deadline Dec. 15 Now accepting comedy in any format: original and spec scripts, screenplays, audio, video, podcasts, etc. Winners in each category get notes from top TV showrunners. Take your comedy career to the next level!